Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do vagina's smell?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
