Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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