someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize