he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
