You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
