Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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