they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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