so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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