If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
