I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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