fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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