I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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