If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
