she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize