I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
