Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
being pregnant is like rehab
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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