My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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