I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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