Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize