I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
