no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
