Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize