threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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