last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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