John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
