so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
