I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
