I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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