dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
