Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize