I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
