why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
