it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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