fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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