then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
