So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
