If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
