I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he shaved USA in his pubs
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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