WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
