Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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