i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
