guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
