I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
