so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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