do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize