haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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