so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
