I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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