He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
