Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize