Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
