epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
