The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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