....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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