The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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