Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
