Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
