its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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